It's interesting how trials come on the mission. Often, they are a result of your own poor choices. Sometimes they come from the poor choices of those you serve... But you expect those. Missionaries are guides to help people receive the restored gospel and sometimes people veer off course for a little while. I know people are not perfect and I know I cannot expect that of them.. But I do expect them to try!
Let me vent about another, more frustrating experience. But first you need some background. When the whole Kate Kelly thing came about, I was in Morningside Heights; the ward that is infamous for being very intellectual and very liberal. Our organist is an active member of the church and also the gay community, and on Wednesday nights a large group of women get together for Feminist Home Evening. When members first started talking about it at church, I realized that as a missionary and representative of the church, I had to gain my own testimony of the priesthood and my divine role as a woman in the church very quickly. We tried to avoid the subject, but members brought it up at almost every dinner appointment, along with their thoughts and concerns about it. Some of their concerns became my concerns. I took solace in the temple and in my calling as a missionary, and in those moments when I did feel blessed by or with priesthood power. I leaned on the faith I had and the things I knew, and I tried to not let doubts get in my way.
I took a lot of comfort in the letter from the first presidency and what President Morgan has said. You've seen me bear my testimony about the moral force of women before! So, now let me tell you about Monday.
We had asked for permission to go to the temple with Miguelina and Abi after the women's broadcast, because in case you missed it, it was ALL about the temple. They were so excited to go back! So we asked our zone leaders Sunday, and they said they would let us know on Monday. Monday morning they came to our district meeting and after we talked to them about it. They said the assistants gave us permission to go on Saturday, but not Thursday. We asked why and they didn't know. We told them that Miguelina works on Saturdays and that if we go on Saturdays, we have to take four priesthood holders with us. They acted like we were "those sisters" and told us to call the APs. One of them looked at me and asked me how bad I wanted it. I thought he was joking so I said really bad! I mean I've worked with these women for a YEAR so who wouldn't want to go with them to the temple? Then he looked at me and said "get that priesthood then" like he had something over me because he had the priesthood. Like I would never be as good as he is because I will never have the priesthood. Like I needed him and he had something over me.
Wow! Everything I had worked so hard to hold on to was seriously shaken with that stupid, insensitive comment. It really hurt and it really made me question not only my worth as a daughter of God and a member of this church, but also how I was supposed to trust my priesthood leaders when they make comments like that! I'm still working on moving past it. I'm pretty sure I never expected to find my feminist side as a missionary, but here it is! :)
I know a lot of women don't struggle with this. But, I also know a lot of women who do. And I take solace in the fact that I have been given the power to ask and to question and to receive revelation for myself so I don't have to rely 100% on imperfect people. So.. If you do struggle with this, know you are not alone. And if you don't, please be patient and understanding with those that do. I don't want the priesthood. I don't need it, and I know it's not a part of Gods plan for me to have that power. But I do want to feel like an equal part of this church and this gospel.
Welp, I've rambled about this enough. Sorry if you thought missionaries were perfect and never questioned or doubted. We do. I've probably never doubted my testimony more than I have as a missionary. I know that we won't understand everything in this life. But I also know that God gives us, each of us, regardless of gender or race or eye color, the power to seek understanding and to find answers for ourselves despite our doubts and concerns. I KNOW that. And I know the prophet and his apostles know that and support it with their whole hearts. I still love this gospel. I still know that my savior and redeemer lives and loves me perfectly.
Transfers are next week because this cycle is only 5 weeks long. Here's hoping there are some big changes in store. :)
Love you :)
-Sister Toone
Ps. Mom. Just because I don't scroll on Facebook doesn't mean the middletown Ward members don't, either. Sister Davis told me all about it :P and then on Sunday, brother Giani came up to me and said "sister Toone! Six weeks!" Um, excuse me, I have eight weeks left. Thank you very much.
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