Rants...

I don't usually blog in the moment... you know, right in the thick of it all, when I'm feeling all the feels and wading through the mud that has become Social Media these days. 

And honestly, I don't know what to say.

Because one minute I am fine, and the next, I'm just not.

I feel like I am searching for something. Something tangible that can fix this hole in my heart. That can ease the confusion and the anxiety I can feel building from that dark place. You know that hole that is insatiable. You can feel it momentarily with lots of things. Food. Laughter. Good company. You can even numb it with your mile-long to-do list or movies or loud music. 

Trust me, I've tried them all. 

And sadly enough, all of those things are temporary. Temporary happiness, temporary peace. A false sense of security. 

But tonight, as I sit on my couch trying to cry out all of my feels with a sappy movie, I realize that the reason I cannot fill this hole is because I'm looking in all the wrong places.

That blog 9000 of my friends posted about cannot answer the questions of my soul.

This movie cannot take the burden and pain I feel away.

My to-do list will eventually run out, and so will my energy.

"Events often occur that rob us of peace and heighten our sense of vulnerability."

that feeling? Vulnerability. The fear that I don't have it all together. The fear of the unknown. 

"Agency is essential to the plan of happiness. It allows for the love, sacrifice, personal growth, and experience necessary for our eternal progression. This agency also allows for all the pain and suffering we experience in mortality, even when caused by things we do not understand and the devastating evil choices of others. The very War in Heaven was waged over our moral agency and is essential to understanding the Savior’s earthly ministry."

So many things I do not understand. 

But when I really think about it.. I know the source of true peace. The source for all answers. The strength that makes my burdens easy to bear.

 “His peace will ease our suffering, bind up our broken hearts, blot out our hates, engender in our breasts a love of fellow men that will suffuse our souls with calm and happiness.”

Today I am grateful not many people read this. I don't have any answers and I'm still feeling unsettled about so many things.

But I know that God lives. and I know that my Savior lives. and as long as I live, I will follow them. and I will do my best to love and serve EVERYONE around me, because that's all I have been asked to do.

xo,

Car.