Honesty....

Lately I've been thinking about something a member (who I look up to a tremendous amount) told me on my mission.

We were teaching her family a lesson and I remember asking her to tell me about her  relationship with the Savior and with God. She said something that, at the time, surprised me... and has stuck with me.

She said that her relationship with deity, just like any other relationship, waxes and wanes. Sometimes it's stronger than others. And she said that she felt like that was normal and that it was okay.

Well, as a missionary, I didn't think that was okay. As a member of the church you should always have a relationship, a STRONG relationship, with your Heavenly Father. It should be your most important relationship and it should be something you nourish every single day.

That conversation was over a year ago. I've lived a little and learned a lot since that day. And, I can tell you that she was right. I know firsthand, now, what it feels like to have a strong testimony of the gospel and to still feel your relationship ebbing. Sometimes it's so strong and it's the first and last thing you think of.

For me, right now, it's not.

Not that I don't still have a testimony.

I do.

But, I also have a LOT of questions and a LOT of opinions. and a LOT of things have happened in the last six months that make me think that maybe things aren't as black and white as I thought they were when I wore a tag and thought I knew everything.

Here's what I've learned in the last little bit, though.

-It's still important to do the little things. Keep reading. Keep praying. No matter where your relationship appears to you to be, to God you are still His child and He still wants to hear from you.

-It's OKAY to not fit the norm. the culture. the expectation that is found so prevalently in the CHURCH. not in the gospel.

-Don't burn yourself out. Take time to be honest with yourself and to let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling. And, if possible, let some of that time be spent in the temple. "fake it till you make it" can only last for so long, and usually leaves you feeling more exhausted/burnt out/under-appreciated.

-Don't keep whatever you are feeling to yourself. It was never expected for us to do this "life" thing on our own. So turn to the people you trust the most. Your family and friends, and most importantly, your Heavenly Father.

Today we sang this song in church and it hit home pretty hard for me.

"Fear not, I am with thee. Oh, be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid." 

It'll all be alright, in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

xoxo
-Car